So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
