OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
