Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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