I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
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I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
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remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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