I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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