In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
