Just cropdusted the office
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
