I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
