I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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