Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
