pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
