I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
