peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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