You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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