May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
