You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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