Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
