So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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