i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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