Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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