I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
