Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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