i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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