If i come over, it means nothing
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
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Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
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if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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