Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
