i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
