sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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