i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
