you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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