Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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