when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
