so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
A bitchslap is in order.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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