i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
