I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
