I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
