nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
