i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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