This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
