I met the friendliest cop last night
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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