you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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