so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
