I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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