I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
