I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
