I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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