I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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