the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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