woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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