literally had 100 drinks last night.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
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Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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