Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
