where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
