Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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