i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
sarcasm needs its own font
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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