i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
