I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This is my gift to your gina
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
