I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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