shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
