Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
