Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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