I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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