I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
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Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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